How To Become A Modern Journalist?

Humor & Satire

Long, long ago, getting into a journalism career was a scary thing. Why? That was because the news industry expected you to have better brains than the rest of the crowd. And you also needed some real skills like common sense, wisdom, excellent writing skills, research abilities, in-depth knowledge of many subjects like politics, history, science, arts, etc. Plus, it was also necessary to get a degree in journalism. And getting hired as a journalist was also difficult because of the strict hiring practices and thin budgets. But that was ages ago.

Today, the journalism career is no longer a scary thing and anyone can easily become a great journalist. How is that possible now? That’s because things have improved a lot in the last ten years, silly fellow! The educational and degree requirements are possibly still there, but the better brains and common sense requirements are now optional. Isn’t that great? It eliminates a huge load and mental stress from countless aspiring candidates. And another great thing is all those oldie slave master editors who insisted on common sense and intelligence for reporters have also disappeared or retired just like those good old comics creators. Those stupid oldies were stifling the explosion of journalism for decades by blocking the floodgates of aspiring people interested in pursuing a career in journalism. Secondly, there were only a few newspapers, magazines, and TV channels dedicated to news, and information space was limited.

But today the situation has dramatically changed. We now have countless TV channels, web news portals, smartphone news, and newspapers. And they operate 24x7x365 days. This is why we are bombarded with endless news from multiple directions. Also, the velocity and ferocity of news have dramatically increased.

Nowadays, anything and everything is news because the channels operate 24x7 and they have to show or invent something in the garb of news. What this means is the job opportunities have increased dramatically and hiring standards have also reduced. So, today it’s very easy for you to become a journalist at a very young age, as long as you are above the feeding bottle age. Who says the world is not getting better? We live in interesting times, isn’t it?

Now I will teach you how to become a modern journalist. First get a microphone and a video camera. Or you can even use a good quality smartphone if your media company is stingy. Then all you need to do is spend a few hours and learn two basic skills and you will automatically become a modern journalist within days,

First Skill - The first skill you need is to switch on a straight face and indulge in a rapid-fire of dumb questions for which you already know the answers. It doesn’t matter who you are interviewing like presidents, prime ministers, politicians, doctors, scientists, religious heads, business tycoons, etc. Since you call yourself a journalist, you should act as if you are entitled to get an answer that you like to hear for any rubbish question you ask.

Second Skill - The second skill is to fire more questions before the guest completes the answer to your first question. This will give the impression that your speedy brain has already processed and analyzed the answer and ready with new questions. Now I will give you some samples of great questions that you can ask and you can improve on them as you progress.

Mr. Police commissioner, can you tell us who exactly is behind the sudden bombing that killed several people a few minutes ago?

Though your Police department has hundreds of staff, why is that you cannot provide adequate protection to all citizens of this country?

Do you think there is a relation between this bombing incident and the one which took place ten years ago about a thousand kilometers from here?

Can you please tell us why the police were not able to arrest the murderer in spite of the house being just a kilometer away from the police station?

Where exactly do you think those extremists and terrorists are hiding now?

Why do you think there is so much corruption in the police force? Is it because the salaries are very low?

How are you going to catch those well-armed extremists using your sticks and outdated weapons?

Mr. Politician, do you think politicians are ruining the country?

How are you going to maintain your large family without a job? Mr. Film Producer, now that you have lost all your money because your super-duper film flopped, what are you going to do next?

Lady, now that your expensive chain got snatched and was also beaten, do you think our streets are safe anymore?

Mr. Politician, do you think we should ban all religions in this country?

Mr. Politician, now that your party is completely routed in the recent elections, what do you have to say?

Mr. CEO, do you think the mega financial scandals in your company have shaken public confidence?

Mr. Businessman, do you think software piracy and fake goods are hurting your business?

Minister, can you tell us why those unemployed people had to die of starvation when there is plenty of food available in our supermarkets?

Mr. Ambassador, do you think this peace treaty between those two barbarian cults who are fighting from hundreds of years will work?

Mr. Businessman, there have been some allegations in certain quarters that you are selling your unique product for a hefty profit. How far is this true?

Mr. Businessman, where exactly do you see your company in five years' time?

Mr. Businessman, do you think your long term strategy will work?

See? Wasn’t that easy? This is what great journalists of today do. Just watch any news channel where the interviewer is making the guest squirm. So, go ahead and confidently apply for that journalist's job now. Don’t be afraid. This is the only interview where you don’t have to answer questions. All you have to do is ask endless questions to the interviewer and you will definitely be hired.

But the only problem is if you meet someone like Gina Gershon who said - My best attribute is knowing when not to answer stupid questions.

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